Another woman is spending time with my kids....

 
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Another woman is spending time with my kids…

I never imagined that my kids would now be spending time with another woman... I had never thought about it. When I started my divorce process, I never thought my children would be spending time with another woman and then it happened very soon. Never in a million years had it entered my mind.. stupid me. 

My ex husband got remarried not too long after our divorce...so my kids had a step mom.  I had no idea how to handle the feelings I experienced. I did not prepare myself for the hurt and heartache that I felt. 

My children were now spending time with another woman besides me. She was texting them, going to their sporting events, buying them gifts, and sharing memories with them. This hit me harder than anything else In my life.  I had been the center of their universe since they were born. I was not sharing them. 

What if they loved her more than me?  What if they wanted to spend time with her? What if they wanted her to take them shopping?  This woman was not buying their bras.... All these questions and a million more go thru your head.

How do you get thru it?  How do you accept that this woman is spending time with your kids? It takes a lot of strength and self discipline. I say that because you will probably feel like going a little “ cray cray” on this woman. You will also have your best friend dig up anything on social media that you can find ... you will become the best private investigator around.  

Remember that this isn’t about you and as much as it hurts, it’s about your kids..If they talk about her then support them. Be positive.  Kids pick up on everything… every facial expression, every sigh, everything thing that comes out of your mouth. There were so many times that i just wanted to cry or scream, but I tried to not let my kids pick up on it. Ohhh my friends have seen my tears over the years, but not my kids.

If they want her included in activities and events, then support their decision. If they want to text her, then let them. I remember the first time my daughter wanted her step mom to go on a field trip because I could not, it killed me. But I knew it was important to her and she obviously felt comfortable enough to have her come along on a school trip.

If possible, in the beginning set boundaries regarding her involvement.   Keep the communication still between yourself and your ex husband regarding the children. Also, set boundaries between your relationship with the step mom….I can not express enough how much boundaries are important. Then everyone knows what is acceptable.

The best advice I received was that when its your time with your kids concentrate on them. Do not worry about the “other” mom. and what she is doing with them or buying them. Try to put all those insecurities behind you and concentrate on them.  Your kids will always come to you. You will always be there number one. They will always turn to your first.  They will always trust you more than anything. And  if your daughter has a bad day at school she’s still going to call her mom! 

Let them engage with their step mom. I know I didn’t handle it perfectly in the beginning because I was not prepared.  And honestly, I can’t say the heartache feeling ever goes away, it doesn’t.  But you will learn that you will always be their # 1 mom!!  Nothing ever takes that away....